I was looking at the official photos from my Tri in April.
Yowzers y’all. I know not many people look good in spandex, but the person in the photographs is so much bigger then the person I see in my head.
When I look at those photos I can’t believe that I am as active as I am. I think…”that girl has no business doing a tri. She looks like she should be on a couch.”
I mean, you can tell I’m having fun. I’m smiling. I’ve got that athletic glow. I’m pumped and all endorphined up. I loved that day. I loved the feeling of being supported by my team. I loved the feeling of accomplishing that goal to complete an Olympic distance tri….just seven months after my diagnosis of multiple bilateral pulmonary emboli.
But now when I look at the photos, I’m just ashamed. I judge how fat my knees are. I notice how my hips are big and thus my race belt is basically under my boobs. I see how the shorts ride up. Y’all don’t even get me started on those wetsuit photos.
It makes me sad to feel this way when I see those photos. In my head, I’m not that weight. That’s not how I feel about myself, so I don’t give myself the message that I’m too large to do the things I do. I just do them because they’re fun and it’s neat to challenge myself. I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be running or swimming or cycling because of the weight. I really try to not let the weight hold me back. I know it slows me down, but I really fight letting it stop me from living.
I’m always amazed when people tell me I’m an inspiration. It’s like…come on…I’m just living my life…having fun. But there’s something in these photos where I see how I could be perceived as an inspiration. Even I can’t believe I’m out there…in spandex….doing the things society (and my head) tells me I should be to ashamed to do.
Denial…I never thought of the good and bad things being in denial of my weight has brought me. On one hand, I do more than my head thinks I should be capable off doing. On the other, I don’t work to lose the weight because I don’t acknowledge the ways it holds me back.
I’m obviously not going to give up tri’s….I’ve got a hardcore crush on my new road bike. I just hope this new feeling that I’ve admitted to myself (and y’all…my real and imagined internet friends) doesn’t hold me back. My hope is that it becomes just another one of those voices in my head.
My plan is to ride faster than the voice can.