What I can’t hide…

I was looking at the official photos from my Tri in April. 

Yowzers y’all.   I know not many people look good in spandex, but the person in the photographs is so much bigger then the person I see in my head. 

When I look at those photos I can’t believe that I am as active as I am.  I think…”that girl has no business doing a tri.  She looks like she should be on a couch.” 

I mean, you can tell I’m having fun.  I’m smiling.  I’ve got that athletic glow.  I’m pumped and all endorphined up.  I loved that day.  I loved the feeling of being supported by my team.  I loved the feeling of accomplishing that goal to complete an Olympic distance tri….just seven months after my diagnosis of multiple bilateral pulmonary emboli.

But now when I look at the photos, I’m just ashamed.  I judge how fat my knees are.  I notice how my hips are big and thus my race belt is basically under my boobs.  I see how the shorts ride up.  Y’all don’t even get me started on those wetsuit photos.

It makes me sad to feel this way when I see those photos.  In my head, I’m not that weight.   That’s not how I feel about myself, so I don’t give myself the message that I’m too large to do the things I do.  I just do them because they’re fun and it’s neat to challenge myself.  I don’t tell myself I shouldn’t be running or swimming or cycling because of the weight.  I really try to not let the weight hold me back.  I know it slows me down, but I really fight letting it stop me from living.

I’m always amazed when people tell me I’m an inspiration.  It’s like…come on…I’m just living my life…having fun.  But there’s something in these photos where I see how I could be perceived as an inspiration.   Even I can’t believe I’m out there…in spandex….doing the things society (and my head) tells me I should be to ashamed to do.

Denial…I never thought of the good and bad things being in denial of my weight has brought me.   On one hand, I do more than my head thinks I should be capable off doing.  On the other, I don’t work to lose the weight because I don’t acknowledge the ways it holds me back.

I’m obviously not going to give up tri’s….I’ve got a hardcore crush on my new road bike.  I just hope this new feeling that I’ve admitted to myself (and y’all…my real and imagined internet friends) doesn’t hold me back.  My hope is that it becomes just another one of those voices in my head. 

My plan is to ride faster than the voice can.



Filed under Tri Training

5 responses to “What I can’t hide…

  1. intothemystic79

    Okay, the last line brought out the tears, my sweet.
    Here I am, all decrepid from waking up at 5am and training people for 2 days straight all over God’s country…and you are still such a motivation.

    Here’s something I taped to my mirror the other day, and I think it applies across the board – to anyone who feels that the spandex is less than flattering. Granted, I don’t know what it’s like to be your weight (or your height for that matter.), but everyone is unhappy with their body. Here is my motivation. Maybe it can be yours too.

    ******DAILY MOTIVATION******

    Passion – This is wear it all starts. Set your goals from your heart. Forget about what the statistics say and any of your past failures. What does your dream body look like? How bad do you want it? Why do you want it so bad? How is your life going to change once you achieve it? Think of how much passion will come into your life once you are lean, healthy and sexy in your own mind when you look in a mirror.

    Growth – Achieving your goal does not have to happen over night. Small changes add up very quickly. A great strategy is to simply be better today then you were yesterday and better tomorrow than you are today. After 6 months you will be blown away with the improvements that you’ve made.

    Comfort Zone – In order to experience this daily growth there are times when you will have to step outside of your comfort zone. You will have to increase the intensity of your workouts, prepare food in advance, write down your goals, spend some time visualizing, pass on the dessert, and other things that have not become a habit for you just yet. Accept discomfort and expect it. It’s an opportunity for you to become better than you are today.

    Gratitude – It’s easy to be grateful when things are going well, but I find the practice of being grateful for who you are today and for the so called failures and challenges of your past is much more powerful. Each challenge or failure provides you with the opportunity to grow and improve yourself. If you want to be happy in your body start today! Love yourself unconditionally. Be grateful for all your past experiences because they have contributed to the lean, sexy and healthy person you will become.

    Become – This could very well be the most powerful word in your vocabulary when you use it properly. For example; “I have BECOME UNSTOPPABLE!” “I have become Mary, the lean healthy and sexy woman who loves healthy foods and living the active lifestyle.”
    When you ‘become’ something or someone it is no longer a hope or dream. It’s a part of who you are. You now hold these beliefs and attitudes that nothing will get in your way.

    I knew that I will become ‘Unstoppable’ when the alarm clock will go off at 5:00am so I can go for my morning walk, and it will no longer be about fat loss. I will be doing it because I love it.
    It will provide me with an opportunity to clear my head, plan out my day, enjoy the sounds of the birds chirping, listen to an educational audio on my Mp3 player, and more than anything it will energize me first thing in the morning when I would typically be tired.

    Fun – Research shows that the people who choose activities that they enjoy are more likely to stick to their programs for the long term. You may read a book that lays out the best fat burning workout routine and nutrition program, but if you don’t enjoy it chances are you will not stick with it.
    There are so many different workout programs on the market. Experiment with them and find the ones that fit best with your lifestyle and the ones that you enjoy the most. Don’t just stick with one. You need variety and variety will keep the enjoyment of activity at a high level.

    Role Model – You need new references, which demonstrate that achieving your dream body will happen. Seek out that 5% of the population and model their behaviors and actions. If someone tells you that your fat loss goals are unrealistic just show them a picture of your role models.

  2. mellowblonde

    I love it! I’m printing it out tomorrow for the mirror!

  3. Becky

    Your dedication to working out inspires me. I mean that – no way would I join a tri-team and put myself out there to be seen in spandex. I don’t see your weight because I see your heart, and it’s beautiful (also way bigger than your voluptuous bosom). : ) Miss you tons, and thank you for being so wonderful.

  4. Keanu Operator

    You inspired me to get a little more personal in my blog. So I wrote about my boobs briefly for the first time. Baby steps.

  5. Theresa

    Forget the spandex! I just admire you for swimming in the open water like that!! Nah, seriously, you are beautiful. Just as you are. Inside and out. You’ve heard it before, I know. But we all need a little reinforcement. Love you.

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