Category Archives: Ex Files

From an IM with an ex….

Me: And the thing is, that at that time, when we were 25, I don’t think either one of us thought that we were worthy of being loved.

Him: Yeah I know I didn’t; I got that sense from you but I didn’t know how to tell you how wrong you were about you and it didn’t occur to me that I might be wrong about me.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Ex Files

Forward moving

I’m stressed the eff out right now.  New job, wisdom teeth removal, and a new living situation that requires me to cull down a one bedroom apartment to literally one bedroom…all in the span of three weeks….um yeah, this has been a dumb plan.

But I do love me some chaos (obviously) so I shouldn’t complain to much.

And I don’t think about how the stress is getting to me…until I get a text a from THE old boyfriend…the bartender.  And it throws my whole world out of wack.

He says “Any chance you want to go out for coffee tonight or tomorrow?  I’m off both nights”.

And I’m thinking “Shit”.

Because the reality is that yeah, I’d love to go to coffee and I’d love to just jump right back into being in a relationship with him…because a boyfriend now would be wonderful.  I’d love to have someone to share this stress with. 

But I know the reality of a relationship with him.  Thankfully Nikki calls before I can make up my mind on what or if I even will text back.

She says “Don’t do it.  It’s been 2 years and he hasn’t moved.  His life is still the name.  Everything you do is about moving forward and making yourself better.  If you go back to that, it’ll stop you in your tracks.”

Those words were crystal clear to me.  I’ve never thought of this situation in that light.   I don’t want to forget how clear my decision was at that moment.

So I went to swim practice and confirmed my packing plans for tomorrow night.

PS: So I’ve been trying to figure out how this applies to Newton’s laws of motion.  Best I can tell, it matches the first law:

Newton’s first law: law of inertia

Lex I: Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare. Every body perseveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Ex Files

Half Iron, really?

Half Iron Update:

  • I emailed the coach for Team Z asking to start with the new cohort in fall.
  • I told my co-workers that I’m going to start training for a half iron in the fall.
  • Eagleman has sold out. Florida 70.3 has not.  I don’t know Team Z’s schedule for next year.

 Improv Update:

  • DMG has submitted a proposal for Improvapolooza (mark your calendars for August 30th at the Source Theater)!
  • Rehearsals with my group are awesome!
  • The Fall run starts September 9, 2008.  I hope that DMG gets a few slots. The competition is tough with all the other new student start ups.

Tri Update:

  • I have not signed up for anymore races this season (yet).  I’m scared to sign up for one on my own.
  • If I were to sign up I’d do Luray in August, Dewey in September, and Pensacola in October.
  • I have not done any training since Smallwood which was one month ago today.  Wait, I did do the Davidsonville bike ride.

Life Update:

  • I spent the weekend at Dewey Beach with a group of girls that I barely know.  It was fun to do something different, but visiting that town is not something that I much enjoyed.  I spent 4 hours in the Saturday sun with only one layer of SPF 50 applied that morning.  I’m still tender from the sunburn and it’s 3 full days later.
  • I joined SparkPeople today.  If you join, my user name is mellowblonde.  Tell them I sent you and I get some points!
  • I had one date that has led to something that has all the makings to be a really great friendship.  I’d like for it to be more, but there’s no denying that when you buy your own $2.36 beverage, the guy is just not that into you.  
  • There’s an improv guy from the past that’s shown up real recently; he also has the marks to be a great friend. 
  • I’m a little frustrated with making friends; I’ve got quite a few already.
  • The Bartender has messaged me a few times lately.  He moves back in September.  It was one year ago this week that we got back together for the last time.  That seems like ancient history. 
  • Sometimes his messages are quite sweet “You waive me off when you want, but I will àlways love you. Not crazy love you, just regular old need you into my life, love you. Like beetles love you ‘in my life’ style”.
  • Other times they remind me why it’s over “you know I always did like you a little bit tipsy”.
  • My church will more than likely close in two weeks.  That makes me profoundly sad and also quite relieved that it’s over.  Fighting that battle has really left a bitter taste in my mouth for organized religion.  Maybe it’s for the best that I’m planning to spend my Fall and Spring Sunday mornings doing long bike rides.
  • My recent church search has been similar to how dating felt this time last year.  It was impossible for me to move on because I wasn’t over the Bartender.  I’m not ready to leave the people of my church.  I love that cast of characters so much.

Leave a comment

Filed under Ex Files, Improv musings, Tri Training

If….

I first saw this kind of post here.  

If I had married Josh: Our first residence would have been your grandmother’s home in Robertsdale that is located near the ranch where my father now lives.  We would spend weekends with Greg and Missy, getting drunk and having stupid fights.  Your mom would love me.  You would always have a spot in your heart for your ex-girlfriend and my good friend, Megan.  I would quit being friends with Megan for that reason alone.  I would have finished college at USA.  I’d have started with a major in pre-med, but would eventually get a nursing degree.  I would always wonder how my life would have been different if I had gone to BSC and not stayed to be with you.  We would only have had kids if your friends were having kids. 

If I married you: I can’t imagine that we would still be together.

If I had married Jason: We would live in Mobile and spend every Sunday having lunch with your family after going to that Methodist church your mom liked.  Your mother would still hate me for taking her baby away from her.  I would accompany you on weekend hauling trips. I would have gone to USA for grad school and have a master in counseling.  You would have helped pay for that degree.  I would work for some kind of non-profit and my goal would be to eventually start my own. My biggest adventure in life would have been college. 

You would be a member of the same hunting club as my grandfather and an MOT with my cousin Carl.  You would always help my dad mow the grass at the ranch.  You would work for your parent’s business until it went bankrupt.  At that point in time I’d try to convince you to go back to school, even though I know you would fail miserably at it.  I would still have trouble accepting the fact that I was married to a truck driver so I would always be pushing you to be more, do more, want more, feel more, more more more.  I would not respect you and you would resent me for that. 

I would compare our relationship to MH and Phil and would always think that they were happier than we were.  I would love how much you loved me and I would get satisfaction knowing that you were always in awe of what I had accomplished.  Your mechanical smarts would remind me why I loved you, even if you were a terrible Trivial Pursuit partner.  We would have a 5 year old by now and probably twin three year olds since having twins runs on both sides of our families.  You would be an amazing father. 

If I married you: we would both be unhappy and yet we wouldn’t be able to put our finger on why that was so.

If I had married D:  We weren’t together very long at all, but you’re the one that “got away”.  I often wonder where we would be now, 3 years after meeting in the basement of Atomic Billiards.  If we stayed together, we would definitely be married.  We would certainly be trying for a baby.   I would have pushed for us to move back closer to home and our families, so we would be living in Georgia.  You would still be in international development and I would have finally applied for and received a passport.  (I still don’t have one.) We would have started our honeymoon in Africa and you would have showed me the village where you did your Peace Corp volunteering.  The second part of our honeymoon would have been at a beach resort to make me happy! 

My friends would love you. Your friends would sometimes wonder how you ended up with someone that wasn’t into international work.  Our life would still seem like an adventure.  We would spend the weekends with our friends, when you were in country.  I would sometimes be frustrated by your long trips away from home, but grateful for the opportunity to live like a single person while you were gone.   You would be supportive of my running, coming out to work the water stops most weekends.  Perhaps, I’d have convinced you to start running as well.  You would be supportive of pretty much anything I decided to do.

I would always know that you weren’t quite sure of me and our relationship.  I would be frustrated about things you couldn’t change and would have spent years teaching you how to please me.  You would still think of your ex every now and then and wonder if you made the right choice of picking me over her.  Sometimes, when you were drunk, you would text or email her, much like you did to me for 2.5 years after you ended things with us to go back to her.    

If I had married you: I wouldn’t be an improviser or a triathlete.

2 Comments

Filed under Ex Files